This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Bottoms up! - My point of no return
Funny thing about bottoms is after you hit them, the only way is up. In my experience the way down is longer than the way up. I hit my bottom when I was 31 years of age. The Monday after my birthday party (which happens to be around the time of blue Monday) I caved in. I had been fighting air for such a long time and I was at my wits end. Continuous poisonous thoughts entered my mind 24 hours a day and without any sleep all that was left in me was the power to cry a river.
For thirty one years I had not been aware of the fact that I possessed the power to control my thoughts and automatic reactions.
I had suffered from depressions on and off without me even knowing there was anything wrong with me. I was the most cheerful person around and wearing a mask during my depressions kept this part hidden from my tribe. For thirty one years I had been doing everything wrong. I am a serviceable person and that was all I knew. So I did what was expected of me even though it cost me my own sanity. I didn’t want to embarrass people, I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t capable of following the crowd. So I kept fighting air. I kept going in the wrong direction. I kept following the crowd.
Until that day came, my point of no return.
I have had trouble falling asleep all my life, but this was something else. I was no longer sleeping at night, my mind was going around in evil circles all day and all night. Venom was eating me up from the inside out until nothing felt like anything anymore.
That morning I stood in my apartment, ready to go to work. I looked around in my living room and I was void of feeling. My whole world seemed flat and useless. Everything that I had worked so hard for seemed worthless. And even though it was my lowest point, it was so liberating at the same time. Finally I had the guts to speak up. Finally I could tell people that all that I had done and tried had not made me happy. That I was so unhappy and unhealthy in my mind that I needed help.
Looking back at it I am filled with pride. This girl who had done nothing but trying to please others finally chose herself. It wasn’t easy, but it was the best gift I have ever given myself. I soon realized that it was not all for nothing. In retrospect I would say that I was building my foundation for thirty one years. By doing everything wrong, I built the strongest motivation for change.
For the first time in my life I wanted nothing more than to run the other way. For the first time I decided that I was going to chase my own happiness in any way possible. And I no longer cared what anyone would think of it. I no longer cared if I would disappoint others on my way. This was my point of no return, revealing my own path. For the first time I realized that I had tried to give everyone else love even though I was unable to love myself. It was all fake. It was my perception of love and it was broken to pieces.
So I started building on this newly discovered foundation and the walls came up much faster than it had taken me to build my foundation. Within one year I changed so many things that I looked back to another person. I started questioning all my thoughts, looking them in the eye. I started throwing away everything that was bothering me on a daily basis. I surrounded myself with positive and motivational quotes. I started reading books that gave me a sense of direction.
I started to flip my perspective.
I went from first seeing, then believing to first believing and then I will see it. I went from a glass half empty to a glass half full. I went from hating myself and trying to be kind to people to doing everything out of love for myself. All of the sudden it cost me zero energy to send the same amount of love out to others. Life became more effortless. I was no longer a victim of my situation, but slowly I grasped a sense of control.
And of course, bad things happen to me all the time. I hurt myself, I get tired, I get sick, people get sick, people die. That hasn’t changed. But my perception towards it all has changed. I no longer feel overwhelmed by my emotions, only until I gain awareness. And once I started training my awareness with meditation, I started to feel more at ease. I started to feel like myself.
I guess I’m not the kind of person to work from 9 to 5 every day until I die. I am the kind of person that loves to listen to you and guide you, but yes, it makes me tired. I need time in my daily routine to recharge. Now I know. Now I can listen to my body and react to it before all collapses. Now I feed my mind and body on a daily basis instead of only after I hit a wall.
I’ll be honest, I still struggle almost every day. It is part of my learning curve. But my unconscious moments become shorter and my will to continue is greater than the little voices in my head. So my point of no return was the most beautiful moment of my life. The most valuable for sure. And now my way is up. Some days I still fall. But in any case I am no longer a victim. I am responsible for my life and I grab it by the horns.
It is nice to have only yourself to blame for every situation in your life because it means you can change your situation at any given moment. It only depends on you. So if you’re at a point in your life where you know something needs to change but you don’t know where to begin. Go all the way and let yourself hit the bottom. It is beautiful and a feeling of peace will hit you.
Looking back, my point of no return was not about losing everything — it was about losing the ability to lie to myself. I didn’t choose the bottom; I chose honesty when pretending no longer worked. And from there, something real could finally begin.
Bottoms up!
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
